aaachhooo!

#24 Contracting a virus (both types)

$@*%! I really should have thought twice about opening that email from spybot007 or clicking on that flashing pop-up that congratulated me on winning a million bucks!

We all get them. They are inevitable in this hard-wired day and age, and we acquire them at the worst possible moments.

In one sense, technological viruses are good & helpful, because they force you and me to pay closer attention to the details of our incessant typing & clicking. More often than not, our fingers are just moving too fast...

On the other hand though, these nasty buggers dismantle & shred years of documents and  archived files that are very near and dear to our hearts. Military tank games. College photos. An award-winning 10th grade English essay. Alanis Morissette's 2005 album Jagged Little Pill. Tragedies, indeed.

Don't even get me started about anti-virus protection. I'd rather jump into the motherboard of the hard drive and try to fix the problem(s) myself, then pay what Norton, McAfee and other infamous companies are charging for renewals/updates these days. It's ludicrous!

The next time you think you might have a virus, please call this number 1-800-DELIVERY (it should connect you to the closest Dominoe's pizza). Frankly, you might as well sit back & enjoy a slice on me, because--like a lot of things in this life--there is very little you yourself can do if you contract a virus.

Never press Ask Me Later.

N.B. I haven't blogged in quite some time due to the fact that both my personal laptop and our family's desktop computer have been infected with several viruses (the latter was just recently cleaned out).

when in doubt, self-check out

#25  Being "ineligible" for the express lane at the supermarket, because you have one too many items

 
Line 4--too many patrons

Line 3--closed

Line 2--argument is beginning to unfold between a patron & cashier

Line 1--EXPRESS lane 
(10 item limit. of course, you have 11 items!)

What was supposed to be a quick stop at the market turns into a decision-making, rule-breaking nightmare...

Sadly, I do often think about these things.

Do cashiers actually count the number of items that you're carrying? Does a triplet of bananas count as one or three items? What about those mini Kellogg's cereal boxes (that come about 10-12 per pack)? Do they really expect you to break apart these items and count them individually? Is this phenomenon really a matter of common sense, in which 13 items will get you through the line, but 3o is just pushing your luck?


I'm not sure and neither is Bill (the cordial old man who assumes that you want plastic, greets you with a smile that could melt your heart, yet bags your items as if he were swimming underwater). 

All things considered, there is something utterly FABULOUS about the somewhat recent invention of self-check out lines. Of course, they also have their setbacks (i.e. highly sensitive radar signals that malfunction easily and usually lead to embarrassed customers); however, you can get away with borrowed membership cards and avoid typical check-out line issues (listed above) with self-check out.


 May the lines be short & may you remember to ask for PAPER!

stuck on you

#26  Stepping on A.B.C. (already been chewed) gum

It often isn't until a few additional steps on the concrete sidewalk are taken that you realize what has just happened to you.

You have just landed on the gooiest, stickiest patch of earth known to kid-kind, and you realize that the damage has already been done to your new pair of shoes! Nevertheless, you frantically decide to locate the nearest instrument (i.e. stick, fork, pencil, key, etc.) that might be able to pry the solely-nestled remains of Mr. Wrigley's product loose, all the while trying to maintain your balance on your clean foot.

 It is to no avail.

You begin wondering who in their right mind thinks it is OK to discard their bubblegum on this here path? They couldn't have just taken another three or four steps and tossed it nicely into the proper receptacle? Noooo! They had to turn someone's day into a walking nightmare and probably are chomping furiously on another stick of gum as I ponder these thoughts...

Watch Your NEXT step!

stinky start to the month

#27 Porta-potties

We've all used one before, even if we wish we never had. Yet for as many terrible experiences as you and I may have had in these raunchy incubators, we keep going back to them when we simply "have to go." So what is it that makes these "lavatories" so enticing, whenever we populate the beach, outdoor concert venues, stadiums, and even the local town fair?


Convenient? Yes.  
Affordable? Surely.  Stimulating? Absolutely!

I mean think about this for a second. Where can you find something so incredibly disgusting while at the same time potentially life-saving? I, personally, would need to think long and hard to come up with anything of the sort. In any event, I seriously hope that you never have to use a porta-potty anytime in the near future; however, if you do cross paths again someday, you may want to be a little bit more grateful for the handiness of this man-made creation.

Make sure the OCCUPIED lever clicks when you slide it across!


happy trails...